The Strange Adventures of Mr. Middleton Read online

  _The Adventure of William Hicks._

  Young William Hicks was a native of the village of Bensonville, in thesouthern part of Illinois. Having, at the age of twenty, graduated atthe head of a class of six in the village school, his father thoughtto reward him for his diligence in study by a short trip to the cityof Chicago, which metropolis William had never beheld. Addressing himin a discourse which, while not long, abounded in valuable advice, Mr.Hicks presented his son with a sum of money sufficient for a stay of aweek, provided it were not expended imprudently.

  One evening, William was walking along Wabash Avenue, feeling somewhatlonely as he soberly reflected that not one in all that vast multitudecared anything about him, when he heard himself accosted in a mostcheery manner, and looking up, beheld a beautiful lady smiling at him.It was plain that she belonged to the upper classes. A hat of verylarge proportions, ornamented with a great ostrich plume, shaded ahead of lovely yellow hair. She was clothed all in rustling purplesilk and sparkled with jewelry. Her cheeks and lips glowed with acarmine quite unknown among the fair but pale damosels of Bensonville,which is situated in a low alluvial location, surrounded by flatplains, the whole being somewhat damp and malarial. William had neverimagined eyes so wide open and glistening.

  "My name is Willy, to be sure. But you have the advantage of me, forashamed as I am to say it, I cannot quite recall you. You are not thelady who came to Bensonville and stayed at the Campbelliteminister's?"

  "Oh, how are all the dear folks in Bensonville? But, say, Will, don'tyou want to come along with me awhile and talk it all over?"

  "I should be honored to do so, if you will lead the way. I confess Iam lonely to-night, and I always enjoy talking over old times."

  At this juncture, a sudden look of alarm spread over the lady'sbeauteous face and a lumbering minion of the law stepped before her.

  "Up to your old tricks, eh?" he growled. "Didn't I tell you that thenext time I caught you tackling a man, I'd run you in? Run you in itis. Come on, now."

  "Oh, oh," panted the lady, and great tears welled into her adorableeyes. At that moment, there was a crash in the street, as a poorItalian exile had his push cart overturned by the sudden andunexpected backing of a cab. The policeman turned to look and, like afrightened gazelle, the lady bounded away, closely followed by youngWilliam.

  "Is there nothing I can do? Cannot I complain to the judge for you, oraddress a communication to some paper describing and condemning thisconduct?"

  "Is he coming? Is he coming?" asked the lady, piteously.

  "No. But if he were, I would strike him, big as he is. Cannot a formervisitor in Bensonville greet one of its citizens without interferencefrom the police?"

  Hereupon the lady, who seemed to be giving little heed to what Williamwas saying, beyond the information that the policeman was not inpursuit, gave a gay little laugh of relief, which caused William'seyes to light in pitying sympathy.

  "Now that we are away from him, what do you say to a friendly game ofcards somewhere, to pass away the evening, which hangs heavy on myhands and doubtless does on yours?"

  "I have never played cards," said William, "for while there is nothingintrinsically wrong in them, they are the vehicle of much that isinjurious, and at the very least, they cause one to fritter awayvaluable time in profitless amusement."

  "Oh, la! you are wrong there," said the lady, with a little silverylaugh. "They are not a profitless amusement. Why, a man has to keephis brains in good trim when he plays cards, and whist is just as gooda mental exercise as geometry and algebra, or any other study wherethe mind is engaged upon various problems. You see I stand up forcards, for I teach whist myself and I assure you that many of theleading ladies of this city spend their time in little else thanwhist, which they would not do if cards were what you say. Before youpass your opinion, why not let me show you some of the fine points,and then you will have something to base your judgment upon."

  William, quite impressed by the elegance and social standing of thelady, as well as influenced by her beauty, despite her evidentseniority of ten or fifteen years, assented, and the lady continued:

  "I would invite you to my own apartments, but they are so far away,and as we are now in front of the Hotel Dieppe, let us go up andengage a room for a few hours and I will teach you a few littleinteresting tricks with which you can amuse the people of Bensonville,and even obtain some profit, if you wish to. What do you say?"

  William averring that he would be pleased to receive the profferedinstruction, she led the way up a flight of stairs and paused in thedoorway of the hotel office, for the Hotel Dieppe was a hostelry of nogreat pretentions and occupied the upper stories of a building, thelower floors of which were devoted to a furniture emporium. Behind thecounter stood a low-browed clerk with a large diamond in his shirtfront, who scrutinized them keenly.

  "You get the room," said the lady, coyly. "I'm bashful and don't liketo go in there where are all those smoking men. You may take it in myname if you wish,--Madeleine Montmorency."

  "Number 15," said the clerk, and in a space William found himself in adark room, alone with the lady, and heard the door close behind themand the key turn in the lock.

  "We are locked in!" exclaimed Miss Montmorency.

  "What's that?" said a deep voice in the darkness.

  Miss Montmorency screamed, and screamed again as William turned on thelight and they beheld a man lying in bed!

  William was stepping hastily to her side to shield her vision fromthis improper spectacle, when he paused as if frozen to the floor. Theman was now sitting up in bed and he had a _red flannel night gown,one eye_, AND TWO NOSES!

  "What the devil are you doing here?" exclaimed the monster in the redflannel nightgown.

  "That I will gladly tell you, for I would not have you believe that wewantonly intruded upon your slumbers." And thereupon William relatedthat he was a citizen of Bensonville who had met a former visitorthere and they had come here to talk over mutual acquaintances andimprove their minds by discreet discourse. "But, sir," he said, inconcluding, "pardon my natural curiosity concerning yourself. Who areyou and why are you?"

  "If I had the printed copies of my life here, I would gladly sell youone, but I left them all behind. My name is Walker Sheldrup. I amregistered from Springfield, Mass., but I am from Dubuque, Iowa. I wasborn in Sedalia, Mo., where my father was a prominent citizen. It washe who led the company of men who, with five ox teams, hauled thecourthouse away from Georgetown and laid the foundations of Sedalia'sgreatness. Had he lived, Sedalia would not have tried in vain to swipethe capital from Jefferson City. As a youth I was distinguished--butI'll cut all that out. Your presence here and the door being lockedbehind you only too surely warns me that we have no time to lose. Theyhave taken you for the snake-eating lady and the rubber-skinned boy,who ran away when I did and who were to meet me here in Chicago. Ifyou will turn your heads away so I can dress, I will continue. Youhave heard of prenatal influences. Shortly before I was born, mymother made nine pumpkin pies and set them to cool on a stone wallbeneath the shade of a large elm. As luck would have it, a menageriepassed by and an elephant grabbed those pies one after another and atethem. The sight of that enormous pachyderm gobbling my mother'scherished handiwork, completely upset her. I was born with two noseslike the two tusks of the beast. At the same time, like the trunk,they are movable. My two noses are as mobile and useful as two fingersand if you have a quarter with you, I will gladly perform some curiousfeats. My noses being so near together, ordinarily, I join them withflesh-colored wax. I then seem to have but one nose, although a verylarge one. I thus escape the annoying attention of the multitude,which is very disagreeable to a proud man of good family, like me.Young man, do you ever drink? In Dubuque, they got me drunk so Ididn't know what I was about and I signed a contract with a dimemuseum company for twenty-five dollars a week. Take warning from myfate. Never drink, never drink."

  "I can well imagine your sufferings at being a spectacle for a ribaldcrowd," sai
d William. "To a man of refined sensibilities, it must beexcruciating, and it was an outrage to entrap you into such acontract."

  "I ought to have had seventy-five and could have got fifty. So I ranaway. Well, now, how are we going to get out of here? Can you climbover the transom, young man?"

  As he said these words, the door flew open and in rushed somevillainous looking men, who gagged, handcuffed, and shackled MissMontmorency, William, and the two-nosed man.

  "We have the legal right to do this," said the leader, displaying thebadge of the Jinkins private detective agency. "Advices from Dubuqueset us at work. We early located Sheldrup at this hotel, and when theclerk saw the rubber-skinned boy and the snake-eating lady come in, hesuspicioned who they was at once and by a great stroke, put 'em inwith old two-nose. Do you think we are going to put you through forbreach of contract and for swiping that money out of the till on theclaim it was due you on salary? Nit. Cost too much, take too muchtime, and you git sent to jail instead of being back in the museumhelping draw crowds. We are in for saving time and trouble for you,us, and your employer. To-night you ride out of here for Dubuque,covered up with hay, in the corner of the car carrying the new trickhorse for the museum. Save your fare and all complications. Now, boys,we want to work this on the quiet, so we will just leave 'em all hereuntil the streets are deserted and there won't be anybody around tonotice us gitting 'em into the hack."

  "Hadn't one of us better stay?" asked a subordinate.

  "How can people gagged, their ankles shackled, their hands handcuffedbehind 'em, git out? Why, I'll just leave the handcuff keys here onthe table and tantalize 'em."

  Tears welled in the soft, beauteous orbs of Miss Montmorency andWilliam's eyes spoke keen distress, but Mr. Sheldrup's eyes gleamedtriumphantly above the cloth tied about the lower part of his face.Hardly had the steps of the detectives died away on the stair, when alittle click was heard behind Miss Montmorency and her handcuffs fellto the floor. There stood Mr. Sheldrup, politely bowing, with the keyheld between his two noses. She seized it and in a twinkling, thebonds of all had been removed and, forcing the door, they startedaway. At the street entrance stood the policeman who had insulted MissMontmorency!

  "Oh, he's waiting for me, and I'll get six months. He knew where I'dgo. I haven't any money," and tears not only filled the wondrousoptics of poor Miss Montmorency, but flowed down her cheeks.

  "Six months, your grandmother. I'll not go back on you. Young man,follow me into the office and when I am fairly in front of the clerk,give me a shove," and the two-nosed man, with a grip in each hand,walked up to the clerk and began to rebuke him for his ungentlemanlyand unprincipled conduct.

  "You white-livered son of a sea-cook, you double-dyed, concentratedessence of a skunk," and at that moment young William pushed him andthe two-nosed gentleman lurched forward, and bending his head to avoidcontact with the clerk's face, it rested against the latter's bosomfor a moment. Departing immediately, at the foot of the stairs thetwo-nosed gentleman said to the policeman:

  "Officer, please let this lady pass. For various reasons, I desire itenough to spare this stud, which will look well upon the bestpoliceman on the force."

  "All right," said the policeman. "Go along for all of me, BetHiggins," and he courteously accepted the diamond.

  "My stage name," said Miss Montmorency, in answer to an inquiring lookfrom William. "The name I sign to articles in the Sunday papers."

  "Now of course they are watching all the depots," said the two-nosedgentleman. "Before they located me here they did that, and as theyhave also been looking for the snake-eating lady and therubber-skinned boy, our late captors have not had time to notify themthat we have been captured. It is useless to try to escape that way,then; it is too far to walk out, or go by street car, and as it is afair, moonlight night with a soft breeze, I am for getting a boat andsailing out."

  After some search, they found a small sail boat. Miss Montmorency haddecided to flee from the wicked city with the two-nosed gentleman. Shehad heard such delightful reports of Michigan. The owner of the boatnot being there and there being no probability that they would everreturn it, the two-nosed gentleman wrote a check on a Dubuque bank forone hundred and seventy-five dollars, and Miss Montmorency an order onthe school board for a like amount, and these they pinned up where theboatman could find them.

  "It will be quite like a fairy tale when the good boatman comes in themorning and finds this large sum left him by those to whom his littlecraft has been of such inestimable service," said William, and thenfor fear the boatman might not find the check and the order, in twoother places he pinned up cards giving the whereabouts of theremuneration for the boat and some statement concerning thecircumstances of its requisition. On the back of one of the cards hadbeen penciled his name and city address, and though he had erased theblack of this inscription, the impression yet remained distinctlylegible. This erasure was not due to any desire to conceal hisidentity or lodgings, but because he had thought at first that hecould not get all the information on one side of the card. Having seenhis friends go slipping out on the deep, he turned pensively homeward,somewhat heavy of heart, for when one faces perils with another, fastfriendships are quickly welded.

  In the morning, young William was arrested and lodged in jail and acorrupt and venal judge laughed with contempt at his plea. After threelong days in jail, came Mr. Hicks, senior, who compounded with theboat owner for two hundred and fifty dollars, the boat being, as theowner swore, of Spanish cedar with nickel-plated trimmings.

  * * * * *

  "That is always the way when a person of good heart befriendsanother," said Mr. Middleton.

  "Alas, too often," said the emir of the tribe of Al-Yam. "But I ampleased to say that when once across the lake, the two-nosed gentlemanmarried Miss Montmorency, who whatever she might be, did not lackcertainly womanly qualities and had been the sport of an unkind world.Having something to live for, the two-nosed gentleman signed with aDetroit dime museum company at seventy-five dollars a week. His twonoses were not the most remarkable thing about him, for in course oftime hearing of young William's misadventure, he sent him a sumequivalent to all the episode had cost him, together with a handsomediamond stud, which he had with great deftness and cleverness takenfrom the officious policeman, as he visited the dime museum with twoladies while spending his vacation in Detroit. And this beautifulornament William delighted to wear, not merely because of itsintrinsic worth, which was considerable, but through regard for itsthoughtful and considerate donor."

  "The two-nosed man did truly show himself a man of gratitude, and I amglad to hear of such an instance. Yet from what you said of him in thebeginning of the tale, I should not have expected it of him. How oftenis one deceived by appearances and how hard it is to trust to them."

  "Even the wisest is unable to distinguish an enemy wearing the guiseof a friend, but we may bring to our assistance the aid of forces morepowerful than our poor little human intelligence. Let me present youwith a talisman which will ever warn you when any one plots againstyou."

  "How?"

  "How? You must wait until some one plots against you and the talismanwill answer that question. Its ways of warning will be as manifold asthe plots villains may conceive. Here is the talisman, an Egyptianscarabaeus of pure gold. So cunningly fashioned is it that not natureitself made ever a bug more perfect in the outward seeming."